I can smell the chemicals
Wow. An unproductive week at work led to a very productive week of blogging. When I let my brain start rolling it seems I turn into a bitter, hateful man. I wonder just how many folks I alienated or pissed off in a four day time frame. Let's see...
Monday I was off to a slow start. I just wrote about the stupid things I had done in the last 72 hours or so. That's nothing new for a Monday post. I usually rehash my weekend's stupidity right off the bat, so I was swimming in familiar waters that day.
Tuesday I got a little bit off track, and I may have offended some folks. Who might that be? I'm glad you asked. The list is long and distinguished, so here goes...
Gary Fisher: He might not have liked that I inferred that he was holding my pee in that cup. He never actually handles the pee samples as he has hired the recently jobless Greg Lemond to do it.
Keith Bontrager: I underestimated his ability to produce a valve cap that weighed less than nine thousandths of a gram. He has actually been getting samples back from the production facility in Taiwan that are closer to seven thousandths of a gram. The man is a genius.
Lance Armstrong: He would never call Keith a hack for producing heavy valve caps. He was a little upset though, as he wanted to brag about the fact that while he doesn't use valve caps he did have the lightest ones known to man at his disposal had he wanted to use them.
Will Black: I'm slightly worried that I pissed off this hardened Texas native, as we'll both be at the Fool's Gold 100 in August. If there's a lot of open road sections and ambiguous support rules I may have to look over my shoulder for a menacing green Element bearing down on my rear wheel. I'm not too worried as I plan on putting spare wheels in all of my drop bags (I heard that's okay).
Recumbent riders: Sorry, but everybody makes fun of them, but deep down we all know we want to ride one.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: Hopefully I haven't burned any bridges there. I've always wanted to be sponsored by PBR and sport a sleeveless skinsuit that looks like the PBR label from knee to neck. I do have small dreams...
Texans: This is the one I'm most worried about. They're angry enough already, but if you mess with one of them you'd better be ready to take them all on. Lynching is still considered an amatuer sport down there.
Wednesday I was able to reel in the nastiness a little bit. I did write something about chubby kids, but since juvenile diabetes is the new skateboarding I can't get in too much trouble there. I guess I made one enemy that day...
Cancer: I linked to the raffle that Elk and Sam are putting on in conjunction with the Escape from Granogue race. The money goes to the HERA Women's Cancer Foundation, so quit being cheap and give with the goods. Cancer is going down.
Thursday I went back to digging my own grave again. Who did I get all hot and bothered and sicking thier lawyers on me yesterday?
PUSH Industries: What can I say? They're smarter, more attractive, and just plain better than me in every way. I'm just a jealous little man trying to make some money riding the coat tails of their success. I hope this retraction is good enough to keep the civil suit in check.
Dave Harris: I can't help it. I don't get to see him very often, so this is one of the few ways I can pick on him with so much distance between us (I can't get close to him thanks to the restraining order). One of my fondest memories from all the races I have ever done was sitting with Dave for over an hour waiting on a shuttle bus after an awards ceremony at BC Bike Race. He was nursing some broken ribs, and I was doing my best to make him laugh in order to mess with his next day's performance. Unfortunately I did too good of a job, and he ended up going off the trail and shattering his foot less than 24 hours later. Sorry about that Dave.
Women: I mighta pissed off some female readers (all twelve of them) with my sexist comment requesting semi-nude photos in order to tune their rigid forks. No apologies there. I still want the photos (you can keep your forks).
Quality beer drinkers: The photo with the Coor's Light in the background might have offended a lot of people. Sorry. I'll start consuming better beer when you start paying my entry fees or buying my beer.
Bikesnob NYC: Although I never offended him personally I did enter his territory by ripping on the urban fixie hipsters. I do believe he has the US Patent on mocking the fixie phenomenon, so with all due respect I will be tranfering 53% of the proceeds I earned from yesterday's blog post to his offshore account.
Fox Racing Shocks: I made fun of them for not jumping on the 29'er bandwagon back when they shoulda. "We'll never make a 29'er fork" they said.... whatever. Need some socks for those cold feet??
Today? I guess I have one apology to make.
Twin Six: When I made fun of Fox (see above) and said "Need some socks for those cold feet??" I did not put a hyperlink on the word socks taking you to the sock section of the Twin Six website. It's in my contract that whenever I use the following words on my blog I have to link to their site:
socks
jersey
cool
donkey show
water bottle
awesome
Cinnabon
Liberace
boobies
promulgate
I'm getting the feeling that all these contracts I'm signing with sponsors aren't as typical as they tell me. I'd get a manager, but everything I've signed so far has said that the hiring of a manager is forboden and will make all terms of the contract null and void.
That's enough for now. I'm riding my bike this weekend. What are you gonna do??
Late edit: Damn. I forgot to link the word bike to Warwick. Now I have to do twenty push-ups and send a pack of contraband Oreos to Australia. Stupid contracts.
Monday I was off to a slow start. I just wrote about the stupid things I had done in the last 72 hours or so. That's nothing new for a Monday post. I usually rehash my weekend's stupidity right off the bat, so I was swimming in familiar waters that day.
Tuesday I got a little bit off track, and I may have offended some folks. Who might that be? I'm glad you asked. The list is long and distinguished, so here goes...
Gary Fisher: He might not have liked that I inferred that he was holding my pee in that cup. He never actually handles the pee samples as he has hired the recently jobless Greg Lemond to do it.
Keith Bontrager: I underestimated his ability to produce a valve cap that weighed less than nine thousandths of a gram. He has actually been getting samples back from the production facility in Taiwan that are closer to seven thousandths of a gram. The man is a genius.
Lance Armstrong: He would never call Keith a hack for producing heavy valve caps. He was a little upset though, as he wanted to brag about the fact that while he doesn't use valve caps he did have the lightest ones known to man at his disposal had he wanted to use them.
Will Black: I'm slightly worried that I pissed off this hardened Texas native, as we'll both be at the Fool's Gold 100 in August. If there's a lot of open road sections and ambiguous support rules I may have to look over my shoulder for a menacing green Element bearing down on my rear wheel. I'm not too worried as I plan on putting spare wheels in all of my drop bags (I heard that's okay).
Recumbent riders: Sorry, but everybody makes fun of them, but deep down we all know we want to ride one.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: Hopefully I haven't burned any bridges there. I've always wanted to be sponsored by PBR and sport a sleeveless skinsuit that looks like the PBR label from knee to neck. I do have small dreams...
Texans: This is the one I'm most worried about. They're angry enough already, but if you mess with one of them you'd better be ready to take them all on. Lynching is still considered an amatuer sport down there.
Wednesday I was able to reel in the nastiness a little bit. I did write something about chubby kids, but since juvenile diabetes is the new skateboarding I can't get in too much trouble there. I guess I made one enemy that day...
Cancer: I linked to the raffle that Elk and Sam are putting on in conjunction with the Escape from Granogue race. The money goes to the HERA Women's Cancer Foundation, so quit being cheap and give with the goods. Cancer is going down.
Thursday I went back to digging my own grave again. Who did I get all hot and bothered and sicking thier lawyers on me yesterday?
PUSH Industries: What can I say? They're smarter, more attractive, and just plain better than me in every way. I'm just a jealous little man trying to make some money riding the coat tails of their success. I hope this retraction is good enough to keep the civil suit in check.
Dave Harris: I can't help it. I don't get to see him very often, so this is one of the few ways I can pick on him with so much distance between us (I can't get close to him thanks to the restraining order). One of my fondest memories from all the races I have ever done was sitting with Dave for over an hour waiting on a shuttle bus after an awards ceremony at BC Bike Race. He was nursing some broken ribs, and I was doing my best to make him laugh in order to mess with his next day's performance. Unfortunately I did too good of a job, and he ended up going off the trail and shattering his foot less than 24 hours later. Sorry about that Dave.
Women: I mighta pissed off some female readers (all twelve of them) with my sexist comment requesting semi-nude photos in order to tune their rigid forks. No apologies there. I still want the photos (you can keep your forks).
Quality beer drinkers: The photo with the Coor's Light in the background might have offended a lot of people. Sorry. I'll start consuming better beer when you start paying my entry fees or buying my beer.
Bikesnob NYC: Although I never offended him personally I did enter his territory by ripping on the urban fixie hipsters. I do believe he has the US Patent on mocking the fixie phenomenon, so with all due respect I will be tranfering 53% of the proceeds I earned from yesterday's blog post to his offshore account.
Fox Racing Shocks: I made fun of them for not jumping on the 29'er bandwagon back when they shoulda. "We'll never make a 29'er fork" they said.... whatever. Need some socks for those cold feet??
Today? I guess I have one apology to make.
Twin Six: When I made fun of Fox (see above) and said "Need some socks for those cold feet??" I did not put a hyperlink on the word socks taking you to the sock section of the Twin Six website. It's in my contract that whenever I use the following words on my blog I have to link to their site:
socks
jersey
cool
donkey show
water bottle
awesome
Cinnabon
Liberace
boobies
promulgate
I'm getting the feeling that all these contracts I'm signing with sponsors aren't as typical as they tell me. I'd get a manager, but everything I've signed so far has said that the hiring of a manager is forboden and will make all terms of the contract null and void.
That's enough for now. I'm riding my bike this weekend. What are you gonna do??
Late edit: Damn. I forgot to link the word bike to Warwick. Now I have to do twenty push-ups and send a pack of contraband Oreos to Australia. Stupid contracts.
bahah, priceless, coffee almost ended on my monitor. (Comment this)
Velonews yesterday - looks like Lance is opening up his own bike shop?
I can't tell yah how many olympic athletes I know that have done that.
Biking this weekend. Lots of biking. Then off to Calgary next week for more biking. (Comment this)