I'm going into business
So the other day I was reading Velosnooze,and I came across an interesting article. There is this company that is today's modern and very expensive suspension forks and rear shocks and tailoring their innards to meet the needs of the individual that is willing to ship their shit to Colorado and fork over a shit ton of dough. PUSH Industries was founded by Darren Murphy, and apparently he's making quite a living off of people who need to get more out of their high dollar squishy parts.
He uses telemetric data acquisition equipment and a Roehhrig Dynamometer to dial in your crutch (sorry, I mean suspension) to suit your riding style, weight (on Earth, not Mars... unless you're intent is to ride on Mars at some point), and typical riding environment (once again, if you plan on riding on Mars you should really let them know). Anyways, once they analyze your data in a manner that only a truly anal number crunching rider would understand they use adavanced CAD, CAM, CNC, and some other things with neat acronyms to make your fork twice as good as before and also twice as expensive. Once your fork and/or squishy rear can of air/oil/garage door spring is done your shit is officially PUSH'ed, and they even give you a cool sticker to put on your fork to let people know that your Fox/Mantiou/Rock Shox fork is better than theirs.
Why PUSH?
From Velosnooze:
"When you're out riding, and you've got to grunt up some climb to get to the next level, you've just got to PUSH through it. And that's where it came from."---Darren Murphy
So my mind started whirling with ideas. How can I use my vast knowledge and collection of tools to start an empire in the bicycle industry? Of course, why didn't I think of this before...
As of today I am going to start offering a service which before now was unavailable to the average rider. Sure, maybe back in the day Tomes, Overend, Tilford, and the rest of the neon clad upper ecelon of MTB'ers might have had access to this kinda technology, but today it is out of reach to the common rider.
Riders of America (and any other countries that still have a semi-legitimate currency) I give you SHOVE Industries.
What can we (me) at SHOVE Industries do for you? Do you have a rigid fork and find yourself looking for a little more performance from it? Do you find youself wanting to invest more money into a fork you already own? Do you wish you had a cool sticker that let everybody know that you spent even more money on an already overpriced hunk of steel? Look no further.
The process is very easy. Send me a check for $115 along with your fork and a note with the following information:
Your weight (on Earth and on Mars... just in case)
Distance from the center of the earth to where you typically ride (for magnetic balancing purposes)
Your riding style (or lack thereof)
Unreasonable fears
Distance from my house
Preference between paper or plastic
Zodiac sign
If you are a female customer it can be very helpful if you could include a photo of yourself with as little clothing as you're comfortable wearing. Keep in mind that the less you wear the better your fork will perform. THIS PROCESS DOES NOT WORK FOR MEN SO PLEASE GENTLEMEN, DON'T SEND ME PHOTOS.
So anyways once I get the fork and information in hand I will get straight to work. First off I will place the fork in my fork holder device thingy and perform a few tests to see what I have to work with.
Honestly, I would tell you that I keep my work area clean and everything like the folks at PUSH, but since there's no small parts involved in the process it seems kinda pointless to have an organized work space.
I have several specialized tools which I use to analyze your fork, none of which you as a consumer can legally purchase on the open market. If the average Joe Spokewrench trained at UBI got a hold of these things we'd be talking armageddon. That's a fact.
Anyways....
After the testing process is complete I will break out my tools that I gave cool acronyms to in order to impress potential customers. People always feel warm and fuzzy about what you're doing when you're blinding them with science (do they still make music videos?).
HSD (Heavy Smashing Device)
I use this tool to create "flex zones" which will make you fork more compliant. If you're also a big fan of safety features I can add crumple zones to absorb truly big hits (once) at no extra cost.
LSD (Light Smashing Device)
This tool is great for the precision work that the HSD just can't do. I also use it to hang pictures and kill squirrels.
EHM (Electronic Hole Maker)
I really like this tool. Not only can I use it to make your fork lighter I can also place holes in the front and back of your fork legs for improved aerodynamics. As you can see in the background we have a wind tunnel to test the results.
SRT (Surface Reduction Tool)
This tool allows me to shave weight and at the same time externally butt your fork to provide more flex and a rough surface finish that will be all the rave at Manitou and Rock Shox for '09 (wait till Interbike and you'll see what I'm talking about). Fox won't be using the rough finish till '10 as they are always a little off the back when it comes to trendy shit (like 29'ers).
Of course once I'm finished I will ship your fork back to you when it's convenient for me to do so. Expedited service can be had for a few more dollars, but that just means I'll throw it in the trunk of my car, and if I'm passing by the post office I'll ship it back to you Priority Mail. All forks will be shipped with the SHOVE sticker already applied and a Krylon clear coat sprayed over it to ensure it stays there.
I think maybe once I get things rolling I might branch out and tune forks for the urban fixie hipster. I have just the tool for them, but I think I might have to come up with a brilliant acronym or it otherwise it just looks like a hacksaw.
Why SHOVE?
"When you're out riding and some mother f#*ker is in your way why bother PUSHing yourself to get by them when a good SHOVE will get them outta your f#*king way and give you the satisfaction of ruining someone else's day. And that's where that f#*kin' came from."---Dicky Dillen
Alright folks.
Who wants SHOVE'd first?
He uses telemetric data acquisition equipment and a Roehhrig Dynamometer to dial in your crutch (sorry, I mean suspension) to suit your riding style, weight (on Earth, not Mars... unless you're intent is to ride on Mars at some point), and typical riding environment (once again, if you plan on riding on Mars you should really let them know). Anyways, once they analyze your data in a manner that only a truly anal number crunching rider would understand they use adavanced CAD, CAM, CNC, and some other things with neat acronyms to make your fork twice as good as before and also twice as expensive. Once your fork and/or squishy rear can of air/oil/garage door spring is done your shit is officially PUSH'ed, and they even give you a cool sticker to put on your fork to let people know that your Fox/Mantiou/Rock Shox fork is better than theirs.
Why PUSH?
From Velosnooze:
"When you're out riding, and you've got to grunt up some climb to get to the next level, you've just got to PUSH through it. And that's where it came from."---Darren Murphy
So my mind started whirling with ideas. How can I use my vast knowledge and collection of tools to start an empire in the bicycle industry? Of course, why didn't I think of this before...
As of today I am going to start offering a service which before now was unavailable to the average rider. Sure, maybe back in the day Tomes, Overend, Tilford, and the rest of the neon clad upper ecelon of MTB'ers might have had access to this kinda technology, but today it is out of reach to the common rider.
Riders of America (and any other countries that still have a semi-legitimate currency) I give you SHOVE Industries.
What can we (me) at SHOVE Industries do for you? Do you have a rigid fork and find yourself looking for a little more performance from it? Do you find youself wanting to invest more money into a fork you already own? Do you wish you had a cool sticker that let everybody know that you spent even more money on an already overpriced hunk of steel? Look no further.
The process is very easy. Send me a check for $115 along with your fork and a note with the following information:
Your weight (on Earth and on Mars... just in case)
Distance from the center of the earth to where you typically ride (for magnetic balancing purposes)
Your riding style (or lack thereof)
Unreasonable fears
Distance from my house
Preference between paper or plastic
Zodiac sign
If you are a female customer it can be very helpful if you could include a photo of yourself with as little clothing as you're comfortable wearing. Keep in mind that the less you wear the better your fork will perform. THIS PROCESS DOES NOT WORK FOR MEN SO PLEASE GENTLEMEN, DON'T SEND ME PHOTOS.
So anyways once I get the fork and information in hand I will get straight to work. First off I will place the fork in my fork holder device thingy and perform a few tests to see what I have to work with.
Honestly, I would tell you that I keep my work area clean and everything like the folks at PUSH, but since there's no small parts involved in the process it seems kinda pointless to have an organized work space.
I have several specialized tools which I use to analyze your fork, none of which you as a consumer can legally purchase on the open market. If the average Joe Spokewrench trained at UBI got a hold of these things we'd be talking armageddon. That's a fact.
Anyways....
After the testing process is complete I will break out my tools that I gave cool acronyms to in order to impress potential customers. People always feel warm and fuzzy about what you're doing when you're blinding them with science (do they still make music videos?).
HSD (Heavy Smashing Device)
I use this tool to create "flex zones" which will make you fork more compliant. If you're also a big fan of safety features I can add crumple zones to absorb truly big hits (once) at no extra cost.
LSD (Light Smashing Device)
This tool is great for the precision work that the HSD just can't do. I also use it to hang pictures and kill squirrels.
EHM (Electronic Hole Maker)
I really like this tool. Not only can I use it to make your fork lighter I can also place holes in the front and back of your fork legs for improved aerodynamics. As you can see in the background we have a wind tunnel to test the results.
SRT (Surface Reduction Tool)
This tool allows me to shave weight and at the same time externally butt your fork to provide more flex and a rough surface finish that will be all the rave at Manitou and Rock Shox for '09 (wait till Interbike and you'll see what I'm talking about). Fox won't be using the rough finish till '10 as they are always a little off the back when it comes to trendy shit (like 29'ers).
Of course once I'm finished I will ship your fork back to you when it's convenient for me to do so. Expedited service can be had for a few more dollars, but that just means I'll throw it in the trunk of my car, and if I'm passing by the post office I'll ship it back to you Priority Mail. All forks will be shipped with the SHOVE sticker already applied and a Krylon clear coat sprayed over it to ensure it stays there.
I think maybe once I get things rolling I might branch out and tune forks for the urban fixie hipster. I have just the tool for them, but I think I might have to come up with a brilliant acronym or it otherwise it just looks like a hacksaw.
Why SHOVE?
"When you're out riding and some mother f#*ker is in your way why bother PUSHing yourself to get by them when a good SHOVE will get them outta your f#*king way and give you the satisfaction of ruining someone else's day. And that's where that f#*kin' came from."---Dicky Dillen
Alright folks.
Who wants SHOVE'd first?
and don't forget about helium injections. (Comment this)
Carbon - I will offer services for carbon when I get tooled up for the job. I only have an Easy Bake oven I can use as it's the only oven in the house I'm allowed to get near. The Pie won't let me near the oven ever since she found me with my head stuck in it. I swear I was just trying to salvage some delicious cookie dough before it was dried out into a worthless cookie. I think I'm just gonna wrap barbed wire around the carbon forks. It won't make them ride any better (like that's even possible), but they will look quite badass.
Spring forks - I do have a sack of Quickcrete in the garage, so I'm pretty sure I can convert it to rigid if you need me to. A lighter option might be replacing the springs with some gravel from my driveway, but that will cost you more.
26" to 29" wheel conversions - I figured that one out pretty quick. I can probably get your 26" wheels to measure out to around 29" on two sides, but the other two sides will be reduced to 23". This will give you the roll-over capability of a 29'er with the acceleration of a 23'er. The best part is your tire selection will remain the same.
(Comment this)
-mike r (Comment this)
Ahhh quite a few laughs there!!
-The boy (Comment this)
Its so friggen true though... we've all bought into the fact we need this squishy shit to hold our flesh in place.
Cheers goes out to you guys/gals that test the limits! And, don't go squishy! Christ, yah don't go geared either! And, some don't even have brakes (fixie)!
Testing the limits of human potential.
Not suckers for money hungry dabers of the industry... (shocks, who the fck needs them. I tried dualies, they suck big time. Replacing bearings, seals, .... for what really! I'm slowly creaping back to simplicity! I'm only riding HT from here on in. And, I will go rigid once my front suspension goes boom. Piece of shit! Costly crap....)
So, I'll take SHUVE for being a sucker to squishness. Cause, we all start off with a stiffy on a singulator. Then, some how or other we all get suckered into a nice squishy comfort ride (dualies). Suckers we are.
Count me in boy!
SHUVE ME UP! (Comment this)
My carbon fork is on it's way. (Comment this)
(Comment this)